The Kellys - F? MARRY? KILL?

A friend posed a brilliant question to me today via a barstoolsports.com poll:

There are 3 Kelly’s who dominated the sexual development of red-blooded American males, gay females and international fans viewing Beverly Hills 90210, Saved By The Bell and Married With Children in syndication between 1990 and modern day…

Three Kelly’s, you must choose… Who to marry? Who to f? Who to kill? (by the way, there are 2 wars going on right now and people are dying needlessly in Africa)…

WHY I’M KILLING KELLY TAYLOR 

Kelly Taylor was virtually sexless. Sure, she ran around in bikinis and dated older guys driving candy apple red corvettes, but let’s be honest, we all know Steve was gay and never gave Kelly the business and don’t even get me started on Brandon Walsh’s sexual proclivities. Plus, in southern California, throw a rock and you’ll hit a hotter woman than Kelly Taylor who is also lower maintenance with way more sex appeal.

I don’t know about you, but my dad isn’t a record producer with a beach house in Malibu and so that makes Kelly Taylor a unicorn as far as I’m concerned. I can’t even count the times I tried to look over Kelly’s shoulder as she lounged on a recliner poolside to check out the hotter 90210 extra playing volleyball behind her (that summer when Brandon and Brenda had to work as “the help” while Steve, Donna, Kelly and Dylan used that beach club like a cumrag).

I’m sorry Kelly Taylor, but I’m killing you because frankly, in the real world you’re beautiful and probably really sweet, but this is the Internet and we’re doing a 90’s TV retrospective. This is Thunderdome and you, Kelly Taylor, are no Tina Turner. KILLED.

WHY I’M F-ING KELLY BUNDY

Kelly Bundy was porn for oversexed teens and dirty old men before the Internet made Kelly Bundys all over the world readily available. Sure, she was dumber than Lars Von Trier at a Cannes press conference but for the love of all that is holy, not only was she hot but she was easily attainable. Kelly Bundy made it a point to sleep with a range of acid-washed jean wearing bad boy types and needy nerds alike.

She slept with old dudes for cab fare, random people from the mall and I’m pretty sure there was an occasion where she had sex with Buck the dog even though the censors wouldn’t allow the episode to air. Kelly Bundy defended her slutesqueness like a lioness in the face of endless verbal jabs from her oversexed and overtly pathetic younger brother Bud.

Now, if you’re a woman looking to break the bonds of societal oppression in a male dominated world, Kelly Bundy isn’t a great role model, but thankfully, I am not concerned with that for our purposes. And so, while I see the error of Kelly Bundy’s perpetuation of the dumb blond female stereotype, frankly I’m f-ing her and I’m loving every one of the 30 seconds it takes me to finish.

F… F… ONE THOUSAND TIMES, F KELLY BUNDY.

                      

Disclaimer: Peggy Bundy is the future of Kelly Bundy. Peggy, who chain-smokes in front of her children, poisons her husband and cleans out whatever funds Al has in his bank account is the second worst wife in history (behind Yoko Ono) beware… Kelly Bundy is not marriage material.  

WHY I’M MARRYING KELLY KAPOWSKI

Kelly Kapowski is a triple threat: in any given episode, she could be taking the lead in a new girl super group with Lisa Turtle and Jessie Spano, singing, dancing and scoring straight A’s. Brains, beauty and a heart as deep and endless as the milkshakes served up at The Max. Sure she’s attractive, but it’s not only about looks you fucking animals. I loved her even before she got breast implants, which is how I know our love is real.

More importantly, she’s total wifey material because she’s always looking out for Zack no matter what kind of mess he and Screech cook up. Mr. Belding on your case? No worries, Kelly brought muffins to school, it’s going to work out just fine. Look terrible in a singlet at the wrestling match? No worries, Kelly doesn’t care about penis size, she’s a good person.

What’s that AC Slater? Jealous? You should be… Zack scored an amazing wife and you got the chick who did Showgirls and a cameo in Any Given Sunday.

Most importantly… Kelly actually married Zack. That’s right, in a very special two hour episode, “Saved By the Bell - Wedding In Las Vegas” just as the cast was running out of money before Mario Lopez became John Tesh and Mark-Paul Gosselaar scored NYPD Blue, Kelly did the honorable thing, she married Zack and they lived happily ever after. I would get into “Saved By The Bell - The College Years” but we’ve all suffered enough.

Here’s the even better news. They did the two hour special AFTER she got breast implants so I can have my cake and eat it too…

MARRY KELLY KAPOWSKI AND DON’T LOOK BACK.

If you’ve read this far, you should be ashamed of yourself.