10 Things To Do Just In Case The Rapture doesn’t happen…

So, it’s May 22nd 2011. What happened yesterday? Rapture day?

We packed our bags, brought our “How to know Harry Potter is a Warlock and an Enemy of G-d” paperback handbooks and positioned on our magic underpants and promise rings, just so. We said goodbye to our friends who are going to hell because they’re Buddhists, Jews and Muslims and we’ve even bid a fond farewell to those pesky Atheist folks who will soon learn the truth from the Devil himself, right after he climbs out of hell to gather his children and return with them to the torturous fire and brimstone beneath the crust of the earth.

We’ve even gone so far as to wear our Sunday clothes for two days in a row, because goshy jeepers creepers yesterday was Saturday, May 21st “Rapture Day” and we’d be gosh darned if we weren’t wearing our Sunday best when the angels come to take us to heaven and free us from this earthly realm. This earthly realm that’s plagued us with its environmental dumping laws and lack of well placed Wendy’s drive-thru restaurants. Because when it’s real, you know when it’s real and if you don’t know what we mean by that then you are an enemy of G-d.

We know this realm is earthly and no good because it’s filled with Walmarts, Urban Outfitters and G-d forsaken R-Rated movies showcasing sex. Violence we can handle in movies, because violence never hurt anyone but sex should be reserved for hetero married couples, inside the bedroom, behind a door locked so tight that nobody will ever know we enjoy intercourse. Filthy. Dirty. Intercourse.

Well, Walmarts are pretty good we guess, but Urban Outfitters and R-Rated movies are the devil’s playgrounds… Whatever, here we go! 3… 2… 1…


Uh oh, it’s May 22nd. Wait. Dag nabbit! Jeepers goshy jeeze! Other sanitized expletives! We didn’t go to heaven?! Seriously what the heck, I mean hay, can we say heck? HAY AND HECK!  What do we do now?! Seriously, this is messed up! We donated all that money to the church. Wait, where’s Pastor Jim?

10 THINGS TO DO JUST IN CASE THE RAPTURE DIDN’T HAPPEN

  • Start a Christian Rock Band. - How have we not already done this? It’s basically the one fun thing we can do with our pants on before and after marriage.
  • Write angry letters to the Daily Show. - Frankly, we get it. The Daily Show is funny in a heathen sort of way but we suspect Jon Stewart’s last name isn’t really Stewart. We recognize we’re partly to blame because we can’t say no to taped interviews no matter how many times we realize half way through filming we’re being mocked to our faces.
  • Admonish mall shopkeepers for scantily clad window dummies. - This isn’t France, this is America and there are rules. We’ll be damned if our children are going to learn about anatomy from some nipple-less inanimate harlot posing in the window at T.J. Maxx.
  • Admonish neighborhood children for doing normal kid stuff in a sassy way and/or using colorful language. - If your child is so smart, how come he or she isn’t an adult? We saw Richard Pryor once and we didn’t care for it.
  • Fundraise, fundraise, fundraise… - We cannot stress this enough. How are you going to built a 20,000 Square foot superdome of worship without money? How can anyone expect to pay homage to the lord without taking out a second mortgage on their home and blindly handing their children’s college funds to someone because they are holding a Price Is Right style microphone and sell bibles on QVC?
  • Agree not to prosecute “The Leader” if the aforementioned mentioned funds aren’t spent correctly. - In his defense, he was holding a Price Is Right style microphone. Plus, he didn’t tell us to give him the money, he asked us, politely, on TV.
  • Warlock hunt! - This earthly realm is literally overflowing with Warlocks, sure it starts with Harry Potter but it goes way deeper than any one of us can imagine. Get out that Warlock stick and get to huntin’.
  • Deep fry un-American stuff. - You knew there would be a use for that deep fryer when you bought it off the TV. Your Jew neighbor made fun of you and now you can deep fry your way all the way to “told you so.”
  • Go through Glen Beck’s trash to find proof of sainthood. - This could be one of the last times to prove us a real honest to G-d saint before the next Rapture happens so get into that trash two ways: right and quick.
  • Take a nap, we’ve been brave enough for one Rapture that didn’t happen.

If you’ve read this far you should be ashamed of yourself.