Maya Angelou has announced she is joining The Talk as poet in residence.

In a stunning move, the celebrated poet, civil rights pioneer and national treasure, who many speculated would join Oprah’s new OWN network, before eventually being buried under Oprah’s gazebo, announced she is joining The Talk today.

While hosting a tasteful, but not showy luncheon, with fancy hats and watercress sandwiches, Maya released the following statement:

“…This has nothing to do with Oprah, please stop saying her name in vain. We still drink tea together and discuss the events of 9-11 all the time… Every daytime talk show requires a poet in residence, and I am proud to be that poet in residence for The Talk.

Sure, I considered joining the OWN network, but after several failed attempts to locate OWN on my ham radio dial I’ve decided to move on…”

The ladies of The Talk could not be happier. Over cocktails at their production offices, located just behind The View’s slightly fancier production offices, they made the below statement. They all spoke at the same time and over one another:

“…of all the weapons in Oprah’s arsenal, we are overjoyed to have acquired Maya. The ladies of The View can eat shit now…

Also, one of us is married to Les Moonves, so you know, we’re pretty much golden. Yup, that’s the girl from Rosanne. Sure, you can say hi…”

Oprah and Gayle, vacationing in Ibiza, (that’s in Spain) released a brief statement. They sounded somewhat conflicted…

“The first time we met Maya, in the delivery room, when Alicia Keys was hatched from that birthing egg, Maya asked if we’d be interested in her joining us at Oprah, as poet in residence.

We figured, why not? After all, every daytime talk show needs a poet in residence. As time went on, we grew fond of Maya’s edgy comedic style and cat-like reflexes.

We are very happy for Maya and wish her all the best at The Talk. She’s a national treasure, a beacon of hope and we loved her in The Dark Crystal, as that crazy witch lady who put hexes on those elves. Oh, she wasn’t in The Dark Crystal? Well then, perhaps we’re just being petty about the whole thing, but we could have sworn she was in The Dark Crystal.

(if you’ve read this far, you should be ashamed of yourself).