Who is Dennis Kucinich?

This is a question I’ve asked myself ever since the 2004 Presidential Election, when Mr. Kucinich took to the national stage and threw his hat in the ring for the Democratic Party’s nomination.  A proud son of Ohio, he has served that state well for as long as he’s been able.

But there had to be more to Congressman Kucinich, proud public servant, Mayor of Cleveland from 1977 to 1979, Representative of Ohio’s 10th District since 1997, and liberal among liberals.

Small in stature, massive in left-wing values, Dennis Kucinich is known to be uncompromising in his quest for strong liberal public policy.  This is a man who called for the impeachment of George W. Bush and Dick Cheney and voted against the invasion of Iraq, despite opposition from his own party, a party seemingly more moderate than liberal in recent years.

Perhaps most interestingly, Kucinich has been married three times, most recently to Elizabeth Harper, a British citizen and public activist in 2005.  She is roughly a foot taller than Kucinich and “built like a young Angie Everhart.”  His words, not mine.

I caught up with the Congressman in Aspen Colorado at a beautiful ski lodge built into the side of a mountain - a home Mr. Kucinich jokingly refers to as his, “pussy palace.”

ME: So, Mr. Kucinich…

DK: Please, call me “Cooze.”

ME: Cooze? As in Kuc-inich?

DK: You didn’t come out here to beat around the bush did you?  I’m a busy man.  Have you seen my wife?  HAVE YOU SEEN MY WIFE?!

ME: Yes, I have.

DK: Then you know what I’m all about.

ME: I believe I’m familiar with your political accomplishments and your quest to bring the Democratic party back to the left.  Where you believe it belongs.

DK: Sure, there’s that stuff, which is very important to me.  But why do I do it? Isn’t that what you want to know?

ME: Indeed it is.

DK: So, have you seen my motherf*cking wife?  She’s built like a young Angie Everhart.

ME: Yes, I have seen her, in the papers and on TV.

(Dennis yells to his wife upstairs)

DK: Lizzie!  Get your sweet ass down here and bring me my motherf*cking chalice!

Elizabeth glides down the long, winding staircase, wearing nothing but a synthetic fur coat and endless gold chains.  She carries a jewel-encrusted goblet and hands it to “Cooze,” who promptly smacks her on the butt as she walks away.

To say Elizabeth quivered with delight at the slightest touch from her husband would be an understatement.  They are clearly very much in love.

DK: You know how many times I’ve been married?

ME: Three?

DK: That’s right.  And you know why I been married three times?  Because I’m searching for the motherf*cking brass ring.  I had one wife, sure, she was kind of fly, but only kind of.  It was early in my political career, right before I became Mayor.  I’m not a tall man.

ME: I’m aware of that.

DK: And so, part of being a leader is working within limitations, but scaling up with every opportunity.  Which is what I did.  As soon as I became Congressman, guess what I did?

ME: Scaled up?

DK: Bingo.  And you know why?  Because Congressman pussy is way better than Mayor pussy.  You can try to mack on fly bitches ‘til the cows come home as a Mayor but that glass ceiling is always there.

ME: And your third marriage?  To your current wife?

DK: Bitch, you ain’t listening to me!

ME: I’m just trying to understand.

DK: I dumped my second wife when I was considering a run for the President.  I married Lizzie in 2005.  You know why?

ME: Um, because…

DK: I’m tellin’ you motherf*cker!  Because Presidential Race pussy is the be all, the motherf*cking end all of pussy.  It’s the Pussy Galore of motherf*cking pussy.  So there I went, snatching up my fly-ass third wife, Lizzie, I built this house for her.  My “pussy palace.”  And guess what? There’s only one more level, Presidential pussy, but I’m so satisfied with Lizzie, we are so very much in love, that I don’t even sweat that sh*t anymore.

ME: Would you like to talk about foreign policy?

DK: Bitch!  Get the hell out my motherf*cking house!

It was then that I proceeded to “get out of his motherf*cking house.”

(if you’ve read this far you should be ashamed of yourself).